I Don’t Know Where it Comes From Exactly. TBBTG Update October 2019

I Don’t Know Where It Comes From Exactly…

I don’t really remember starting to write, I sort of do but the idea of regularly buying a writing pad and routinely writing down my thoughts in a sort of committed way just happened.  My earliest writing pad, one that is dated, is December 1994 but I know have bit before that.  I figure that probably around that time when I was 19, it felt like a good thing to do.

I was really into my music and love words and lyrics, in fact I had always loved words and read all the time as a child.  Words for me have always just sat inside my head perfectly, I sometimes think in words and phrases and certain phrases or words will cause me to think and imagine in ways that say, numbers just don’t. 

I was also keen to record my life, time, as I have mentioned before was an is an endless fascination and there was a conscious thought that when I was in my teenage years the whole growing up experience would be fleeting and never to be repeated, I felt almost duty bound to capture me, the time, the experiences and the world around me.  There was also of course, the need for escapism, to manage a disjointed childhood and to deal with my own emotions and reactions.  Writing seemed to fit the bill perfectly and to be fair, it’s continue to do that job for a while now.

I don’t know quite know how all the poems come about, you know I am prolific of course, I am aware that I am just putting this stuff down and moving on quickly.  Some of what I write is deeply personal, some is meant to be funny, some is wry look at life or me or both, some is throwaway and some is just playing around with words.  In fact one thing that always saddens me most about other people’s poetry and writing is not the lack of skill but the lack of fun with words.  Playing around words and phrases is great and should always be enjoyed. However what i write is what i feel and i rarely do not write about something that actually happened. The advantage of writing is that you can say and be who you want with no really push back or challenge. In that sense writing has an immense sense of personal freedom. If like me, as a child, you felt repressed or you were expected to behave and act in a certain way, then writing by its very nature is rebellious and liberating.

Often people will say something and the phrase of words stick with me, there’s a certain feeling or feelings that go with it and it is that which then informs the writing. Often I am thinking about things and the poem is written in my head or least the hooks or phrases or the style ix.  I don’t keep notes as such as I have learned over the years to just remember them.  I never try and write, I used to years ago, setting myself targets, these days I just write as the mood takes me.  I do take my writing pad with me where I can, it’s always with me at work for example.  I never fear writers block or that I suddenly won’t be able to write anymore.  I fear not being able to write something I enjoy, that is always my first requirement, write what you enjoy and take something from it for yourself.  Writing for others is folly and leaves you without authenticity.  It’s exactly way I accept the limitations of my writing and why I don’t promote my poetry.  It is what it is and I am comfortable with that.  Anyway, most of what I write isn’t fantastic, it’s just the small percentage that hits the mark I guess and then if i did promote it, how would I pick out what to promote?

I do look at other poets here and I respect their desire to promote though, I also look at their poems and the following they generate and I think how well they used platforms to promote their work.  I wish I could muster the large volume of likes their poems often accrue.  That said, I am aware I am saturating my site, people can only give so much!

So where are we up to?  Well I have just finished March 2011, it was a particularly difficult period of my life and at the risk of serving up clichés it rally was a period of transition.  I moved from a fair chaotic single life which had emotionally begun to take a toll into a period of stability as I met my future wife.   March 2011 was the end of that, the frustration of that period pours out in the writing and it was the end of the era.  My rule at present is as I finish one writing pad I pause, update with my latest stuff then go back to an earlier pad.  That is what you are seeing at present.  I am just updating August and September this year.

I say it every time but I do really appreciate all those who like my work and I am sorry that I can’t get to other people’s writing but do let me know if you want me to look at anything.  A big thank you must go to the stalwarts who stick with most the poetry and give me a like.

Someone said to me the other day, you’re brave, sharing all that work, most of us try to compartmentalise our lives and try not to revisit the parts we consider painful or difficult.  I must admit I had not thought of it like that.  It is difficult, I have said before it is like meeting your younger self and having to read some frankly awful and embarrassing stuff you have written down is never fun.  I don’t know if it is brave or a bit foolhardy, maybe I should write a poem about it?

So what is next, well unsurprisingly it is more of the same.  Once I have updated my 2019 poems then I will return an older pad.  I am still building up the courage to share the December 1994 writing when I was 19, it’s truly awful but it was me and it is part of me, but I am going to need a significant run up before sharing those.  Maybe I won’t add tags and hope no one notices it?

Thank you again,

James

I am a 40 something sometime writer. I live in the South West of the UK but originally I am from Essex.

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