The Home Straight – A Boy Behind The Glasses Update – October 23

The Home Straight

The other day I was thinking, when did I start The Boy Behind The Glasses. When did I actually start this project / idea (madness?). Well it was in July 2019. And now four years and several UK Prime Ministers and for me personally, one major relocation later, it means I am down to the pile of writing pads as shown in the picture below. .

As I have described before, I call this my odds and sods. It also means now, from looking at the dates on the website, I have a good idea what writing pads are missing. I already know that a writing pad covering December 1995 and into early 1996 is missing. I know this because I remember one particular poem that was very important to me and, as I was going through what’s left I found some photocopies of the writing pad itself but not the original. That’s okay though because, I am fortunate to have what I do have. And considering I only really every saw what I wrote as something for me and in fact, quite throwaway, I know I am lucky to have what I have. Am I on the home straight though? I think I am, I’ve gone from slowly plodding through my writing pads to looking at that pile, changing gear, and feeling like there is an end. Well… there’s and end to the typing up, not and end to me writing.

Was it really 2019 that I started this? That seems a long time ago, however the actual idea for this project goes back years. It had always been my intention to type up all my writing, originally it had been about simply writing it up on something like Word and storing it. The idea of a website had crossed my mind and many many years ago I did create one with a website builder called Coffee Cup but nothing came of it.  To be honest, the whole idea of writing up my work was simply too much to comprehend. Most of it felt like immature silliness that certainly had a value, but really, nothing more. In fact I was often mortified by what I had written, particularly when I looked at writing from when 17 and 18. It was deeply exposing to see how unsophisticated and socially awkward I was. I was always much more comfortable with the idea that I had improved as I got older as a writer and that’s the type of the thing I would share.

Then in 2019, having come across WordPress, it seemed like a relatively straightforward thing to at least start it. Questions around what it should look like and how to present the writing came later. Also having all the original writing pads that the poems and writing were written in, it felt like that they should be included in some way. I have mentioned before, and without wishing to be too pretentious about my own writing, the original handwritten pieces for me are the creative process in the raw. There has, to me, always been something very intimate about my writing pads, something very personal and I wanted to present that, spelling mistakes, messy handwriting and amendments included.  I also wanted to include my age on the pieces. There was something that appealed to me about including the age when I posted the pieces, it almost forced the reader to think, what was I doing at that age, or what was I doing at that age.

The title, The Boy Behind The Glasses had been a poem I had written in 2019. I have worn glasses since I was three years old, I have no memories of not wearing them, consequently, I was never really bullied for them, yet I always felt quite defined by them. I was conscious from a young age that wearing glasses meant you were treated differently. Whether it was negative stereotypes on television or being made to sit at the front of class in infants school because it was assumed you couldn’t see. So, there you were at the front of the class with the other glasses wearing children, separated and different. So really, the Boy Behind The Glasses was about what was behind and what was inside. 

I estimate from the pile of writing left that I will be finished by the end of next year. That will take the total time to five years, five years to type up thirty one years of writing. It feels like a form of madness now, when I consider how much effort and time I have put into it. 

So when I have finished, what next? Will if I am honest, part of me will be glad, not just because it’s complete but because I can retreat a bit. The plan will be to continue writing as I do, but I will only type up and upload as one writing pad is finished. I would imagine this will give a gap of a good few months without me posting. I am sure this will be a relief to my subscribers who are unfortunately bombarded with e mail updates as I make a big push to finish. And don’t get me wrong, I am deeply touched and moved by the comments and support I have had for my writing. But I have lived and breathed this project and the personal cost, the mental wellbeing aspect of reliving parts of my life has been hard and at times, has taken a toll. It will be nice to step back, have time to read the writers I enjoy and just new writing as my writing pad is completed. 

Talking of a big push, part of that was on Monday. Since COVID we’ve all worked more than home and like a lot of people we have a home working set up. Usually it’s my wife or myself working but on Monday my wife wasn’t working at home and I had a day off. I’ve also just got a new laptop, the third since 2019! I’ve been using my spare for the last year and it’s really past it’s best. On Monday I set up the new laptop which is lovely by the way with our home working setup, and I spent the day getting through as much writing as I could. It really helps having the two monitor setup. If you look closely you’ll also notice the scanner, it’s still working, despite no longer having the lid attached! Just to go over this setup, it’s quite simple. The poem is typed up into WordPress then the original is scanned into Photoshop. I do a small amount of tidying on photoshop to fix colour balances and enhance any faded writing. Then it’s added back into WordPress.

Interestingly the whole process of writing up all of my writing has been a kind of strange self therapy. It’s as if younger, earlier versions of me are telling me my life story and forcing me to reflect upon it. I’ve been forced to face up and confront my true life narrative, not the one we all create as a coping mechanism. I am a better human being for the process, but I have had to dismantle so much of me and confront issues such as my toxicity, relationships with friends, how I treated women in my life, my own mental health and trauma. It’s easy to say, well you can’t be too hard on yourself but having to view your life back again, it is sobering and it does and should force you to make some adjustments. In simple terms the whole process has given me humility and left me thankful and humble. 

I guess I can safely say I am now entering the final year. It will be strange when I won’t have historic pieces to type up. Part of the planning has been to type up my latest finished 2023 writing pad. I think now, I am slowly applying the brakes. However the process never stops, there will be much editing to do once it’s complete and that will take up the next five years.