Receiver – Written December 2005 (Aged 30)


i know, i should have called you
but like a coward –
part of me is drawn to the past
and when we went through –
what i call, ‘the phone call cycle’
with emotions eagerly begging
with a hunger,
that could never be satisfied
which eventually became malnourished
well, i did not want to go back
not to what i call, ‘the phone call cycle’
the one,
where you counted –
how many times a week i called
or how often i called,
or how long i spent on the phone
or who put down the phone to who
it was all too much,
an oppressive torrent of pressure
that felt little like a safe love
this, what i call, bombardment
was an attack from an army of insecurity
it filled me with dread,
and the emotional warfare was relentless
no matter what i did or said
it was not going to change a thing
i was an inadequate lost army of one
and i could never win
i could not return fire, only complain
and that is what happens when insecurity rules
and there is unanswered pain

James Garratt – December 2005

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More about this blog, The Boy Behind the Glasses, here

More poems from 2005 here

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