i realised today
that grief,
is not, ‘one size fits all’
that loss,
is not a common call

i am sad and i was sad,
because they are no longer here
but sad also for their life
mother, daughter, sister –
too often a wife

it is ego and stubbornness
that has dragged me
personality disorders
mental health
a refusal to accept
all these things have dragged me to here

i will be whatever colour or gender
that i need to be
i will listen to, ‘art house jazz’
and write my own social media story

i thought gathering years
would gather me up
pull up the covers tight
and then turn off the light

when experience was something new
and yet, failure so near
when i first nested my hopes
and found that views are never that clear